


Return to Darkness

by serafine



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: (happens off screen), Angst, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Cutting, Depression, Eventual HEA, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Ghost(s), Force Sensitivity (Star Wars), Force Visions (Star Wars), Gen, Hurt/Comfort, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Inspired By Tumblr, Inspired by Fanart, Jedi Finn (Star Wars), Mentions of Blood, Mentions of Pregnancy, Not A Fix-It, Not Canon Compliant, POV Ben Solo, POV Rey (Star Wars), Reylo babies, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Survivor Guilt, The Force Ships It (Star Wars), World Between Worlds, beta reader acquired, no beta we die like women
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:48:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 18,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26745403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serafine/pseuds/serafine
Summary: "AU where Ben is unable to bring Rey back after Exegol, and returns to the dark side in his grief."COMPLETELY inspired by this beautiful artwork:https://emilyredekerart.tumblr.com/post/630651850086137857/return-to-darkness-au-where-ben-is-unable-to-bring(posted at the end of the first chapter)
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Finn, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 30
Kudos: 50





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Baby_babushka](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baby_babushka/gifts).



No matter how Ben tried, how he focused, how much he begged the Light for assistance, Rey would not move, would not breathe. The Bond between them remained deathly silent and cold. After a few torturous minutes, she faded away into the Force, paying the ultimate price for her bravery, aided by the presence of the Masters he could still feel gathered round. Then they disappeared as well. Ben wept bitterly, brokenly clinging to her stained white tunic. He had been alone before in his life, but the desolation, the sheer emptiness and scope of his surroundings made it seem as if he were last being left alive in the galaxy, despite the ferocious battle still raging far overhead. 

Throwing his head back, he screamed out his grief, howled and raged until his throat was raw. That ferocious cry echoed through the Force, bringing loose stones down, and causing more jagged cracks to form in the floor beneath his feet. _How was this real? How had he survived and she had not? She was so **strong**. So good. Where was the justice? Nothing mattered without Rey. Not the First Order, not the Resistance. Nothing. _He sat and shivered violently, feeling completely hollowed out.

The Sith spirits were gone. Palpatine along with them. Ben was sure of that. But the dark side itself… flickers of it echoed in the distance, resonating throughout the bones of the vacant cathedral. It was drawn to his pain, his rage over the unbelievable fact that Rey was lost to him. Here, in the very heart of what was left of the Sith Empire, Ben felt the darkness calling to him once again.

How could he stay in the Light without her? Had he been faster, better, had he been here to help her when it _mattered_ … She fought Palpatine without him and then died alone, on a cold, stone floor. He didn’t deserve to live in the light. He deserved to hurt. He deserved to suffer, as he had caused others to suffer for so long. Shaking his head, he blocked out the pain of his broken bones and staggered to his feet. Grabbing up Rey’s clothes, and the sabers, he started the long, slow walk out of the large chamber and back up towards the surface.

Many hours later, Ben emerged, leaning heavily on a broken polearm. The sky overhead was empty except for slowly drifting wrecks and large swaths of debris. Standing before the X-wing and the TIE he trembled, struggling to stay upright. The last time he’d seen these two ships, he could sense Rey in the distance. Her fear, her uncertainty. He should have gotten here sooner. He should have fought harder to prevent her from coming here without him. How was he still drawing breath when she was dead and gone? What had she ever done in her short, hard life to deserve such a fate?

Grief and self-loathing consumed him. Ben was determined to make it off Exegol. He owed that to her. She would have wanted him to survive, he knew that. Beyond that… he had no idea.

_ <<<Eighteen months later….>>> _

Finn and Poe walked through the small market looking for the last few items on their list. It had been a good visit with Poe’s father so far, and Kes had sent them into town for a supply run. They were arguing over how many nerf steaks to buy when Finn froze. Over Poe’s shoulder, he saw a man dressed in black walking towards them. Tall, wide, long limbed, wearing a cowl, with a fine black cloth covering everything but his eyes.

Inadvertently, the two men locked gazes. _Sodding hell!_ The man in black was a _powerful_ dark side adept. A shocked look of recognition was clear in the stranger’s eyes. Finn felt a strong wave of grief and anger. The stranger began to blink furiously, tears welling. A large, pale hand came up to push the cloth more firmly over the lower half of his face as he pivoted and strode quickly away, disappearing into the crowd.

"-na answer me? What’s _wrong?_ ” Poe’s worried voice finally broke through.

“That - I think I saw…”

“Saw what?”

“Kylo Ren??” Finn said incredulously.

+~+~+~+

 _What the hell were_ **_they_** _doing here?_

Ben cursed under his breath, feeling the tears running down his cheeks. Seeing her friends standing there, looking so happy… it had been such an unexpected gut punch, and brought it all crashing back. 

He’d tried to settle on Mustafar, on Naboo. He had even stopped briefly on Tatooine. It wasn’t until he laid eyes on Yavin IV, that he felt something pull lightly at his heart. The Temple of Exar Kun. Dark, quiet. Beautiful. He’d been so sure that he could live out the rest of his days in peace. If those two were here, it was likely that the fight between the First Order and the Resistance had finally come to some sort of resolution - Ben genuinely didn’t give a damn either way, honestly. The whole kriffing galaxy could go to hell for all he cared. Without Rey, nothing mattered. It had been true from the moment she slipped away from him on Exegol, and it was still true now.

Being unable to bring Rey back had been a clear sign. The Jedi had abandoned him long ago, and the Light along with them. The dark side had welcomed him back without question. He was different now. He didn’t want power, he didn’t want to control anyone else. He simply wanted to be left alone with his sorrow. With his dreams of what might have been.

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more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

\- Wesley in The Princess Bride


	2. Elsewhere (Rey)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey finds a sympathetic ear.

It was nice to see Poe and Finn, who had their heads together talking excitedly, but they were not Rey’s concern. She watched Ben walk away from the market, his goal of acquiring provisions forgotten. His long legs covered the ground quickly despite his slight limp. Between his height and his customary black, Ben easily stood out from the crowd. He was thinner than ever, suggesting his meals were growing fewer and farther between. The sight of him made the empty space where the Bond should be ache like a phantom limb. 

Rey followed him all the way back to the Temple, staying as close to him as the constant cold would allow, finally stopping at the edge of the moat. Going any further was difficult on the best days. With a sad sigh, she allowed her form to dissipate, returning to… wherever it was that she went when she wasn’t here.

From the moment she died on Exegol, Rey could tell that the Bond between them had been severed. She could only sense Ben as she would a stranger. He was no longer a part of her, no longer under her skin. It meant that while she could still see and hear him, she could not comfort him. Could only listen as he pleaded with her not to leave him, for the Light to help him bring her back, then watch helplessly while he mourned.

Rey remembered shivering as his scream of pain and frustration echoed through the Force after her body faded away. Aching for him while he limped slowly to the surface, walking a step behind him the entire way. Mourning as she felt the cold around him growing again bit by bit. All because he couldn’t save her. She should have been stronger. Somehow. Fought harder to stay alive

Since that day, Rey had either been ranting and raving about the unfairness of it all or asking for help to get back to him for real. Most of the Masters had stopped listening to her. Except one. A human woman, tall and dark haired with steely blue gray eyes. The woman had been watching her for some time now, but had never spoken to her. Until now.

Her voice cut through the stillness. “There is a way back, but it may not lead to the life you wanted. You may wind up just as he is now. Returning to life is unnatural.”

Rey thought her accent was strange. Clearly from a Core world, but some of the inflections were not quite right. She sensed no condemnation from the woman, only sympathy.

“Why do you wish to help me? No one else here does.” _Or can’t,_ a traitorous voice whispered inside her head. _Maybe this is a trick._

“Because I loved one such as your Ben. Torn endlessly between Light and Dark. I was not able to save my husband while I was alive.” The sorrow was clear in her eyes. “And I wish someone had helped me.” 

_Oh._ There were tales of Jedi bloodlines, which meant some of them had to have children… 

Fixing Rey with a hard stare, she asked, “Do you love him?”

Rey contemplated that for a moment. “I don’t know. I think so? The connection we shared… he became such an integral part of me, and now he’s gone. And he’s alone _again._ He spent so long as part of the dark side, and part of the First Order, right up until our last moments together. I wanted to get to know him, and I never had that chance. His soul…. Underneath all of that anger, it was so gentle.”

“Many here see the danger of love. Few ever allowed themselves to fall in love of another person. It splits your loyalties, and is heretical to the teachings for much of the history of the Order.” Rey remembered seeing some of that in the Jedi texts.

“But you did not.”

The woman shook her head. “I would have married Revan even if the Force itself told me I shouldn’t.” 

“What happened to him?” Rey asked, afraid of what the answer might be.

“A great deal, most of it wildly unpleasant. Much like Ben, Revan served as an example of the risk of undisciplined emotions. But eventually he became one of the true Grey. Sometimes he is here. Sometimes not. I don’t know where he goes when he leaves my sight. But the Jedi of my time do not like him here.”

“Perhaps you can do what I could not. I don’t know. But the way is dangerous. Are you prepared to risk it?”

Rey lifted her chin. “Whatever it takes. I can’t leave him there alone. He came to save me on Exegol. I can’t abandon him now. It frustrates me that he can’t even _see_ me. I can’t even let him know that I care.”

“You hardly abandoned him. You died when you were hit by a blast of dark side energy. What he did after your death was his choice. It is not your fault that he embraced the darkness again. He is consumed by anger, most of it likely directed inward. Were he still walking in the Light… things might be different.” 

The older woman shrugged. “You might be able to garner the attention of your dark skinned friend if you wish to speak to someone living about it. He seems to have grown stronger.”

While talking to Finn would be truly lovely… having him try and speak to Ben would probably be disastrous. She shook her head. “I just want to get back to Ben. You said the way is dangerous. Why?”

“You could get stuck somewhere along the way. Alone. Or you might be unable to return completely and become trapped on the other side as a restless spirit. It could make you much more susceptible to the dark side.” 

“But there is a path that leads back to life?”

“There are many paths beyond, but I cannot say for sure you will find the right one. The Force smiled on you when he settled on Yavin 4.” She shook her head. “Of all the places he could wind up…. That moon has been the source of conflict between the Sith and the Jedi for millennia. There is a path that connects some worlds, and Yavin 4 is one of them. You have a chance to find your way back.”

Without hesitation Rey asked, “How do I get there?”

+~+~+~+

Standing before the perfect black circle, Rey paused. She could sense Leia somewhere nearby. After a few moments, her former Master’s form coalesced off to her left. Turning slowly, she hesitated before finally meeting Leia’s gaze. To her surprise, there was no admonition in those dark eyes, not even disapproval. Only sadness. 

“Is she telling me the truth?”

Leia nodded. “If there is anyone here who can understand what you share with Ben, it’s Bastila.” She smiled sadly.

“I hope you make it. I truly do. Please tell my son I love him, and that I forgive him... for everything. May the Force guide your steps. It will be with you, always.” With that, she vanished.

The pitch black void before her was intimidating. It was the darkest thing she had ever seen. Unlike her current surroundings, it was flat, and seemed to absorb light. But Ben was somewhere on the other side of it. Pushing stubbornly forward, Rey gasped as she stepped through the portal. The Force seemed so alive here. So _raw._ Perhaps even a little unstable. 

Suddenly something on the very edge of her awareness sizzled. The Bond! She concentrated for a moment on the sensation. The link between them was far from whole, but she could actually sense _Ben_ once again. That he was alive somewhere out in the universe. And he was _hurting._

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more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

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**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well. So there seems to be more to this story than I thought....


	3. The Temple of Exar Kun (Ben)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is tormented by dreams and visions.

**_TW: self harm, suicidal tendencies and thoughts, mentions of blood_ **

_+~+~+~+_

Heading deeper inside the Temple, Ben wanted nothing more than to forget the events of the day. Difficult to do with no more alcohol. He would also be completely out of food in two days. Stalking into his room he cursed his luck and threw off his cloak. What were her friends _doing_ here? Why? Out of all the inhabitable planets and moons in the galaxy, why did they show up _here_? Did the Force really have such a cruel sense of humor?

He’d originally come to this Temple hoping there would be something here to help him bring Rey back, but deep down, Ben knew nothing could do that. He couldn’t even clone her - there had been no remains to use as a source.

Ben crossed to the low pillar where he had set Rey’s clothes and lightsabers. The metal hilts gleamed on the white cloth, so bright against the black stone surrounding it. He missed her so much. Even now there were moments he would instinctively reach for her through the Force. The emptiness he always found instead still stung.

Letting his hand linger on the Skywalker saber, Ben felt once again the temptation of ending it all. The pain, the nightmares, the hopelessness. It would all finally stop. He shook his head and grunted in irritation. Even if he found the courage to take his own life, it was unlikely he would see her again anyway. The cosmic Force would not allow light and dark side users to mingle beyond, he was certain. Rey was lost to him. Forever.

Behind him a voice said, “I still say you should summon the Jedi’s spirit and place it in an unconscious body. It is such a simple answer. You would need one target vessel, and one, maybe two others at most to drain of -” Given the intensity of dark side energy within the building, it was awfully telling that the Sith spirit still made such an impression on his senses.

Ben cut him off midstream. “Go away, Kun. I will not do that to Rey.” His voice was rough from lack of use. “We’ve had this conversation several times already.” 

Exar Kun had tried desperately to convince Ben that he needed to come deeper within the Temple, that there was technology there hidden for millennia which would help him. Had he not spent his entire life being lied to by the Sith, he might have fallen for it.

Ben knew perfectly well that his skill with the Force had brought him to Kun's attention. The Sith never gave, not without a steep price. Kun wanted something from him. Despite his refusals, he kept hoping that the spirit would reveal something useful. He had been at the Temple well over a month before the ancient Sith started whispering inside his head. Or perhaps he had finally gone mad. At this point, he genuinely couldn’t decide which was the truth.

+~+~+~+

Ben woke to the sound of a distant explosion. He was in the bottom of a dark, stony chasm, sharp stones all around. There was an afterimage fading into the Force, the echo of a powerful wave of dark side energy that had been released. Reaching out to Rey through the Bond, he was horrified to feel her slipping away. The connection between them growing thinner by the second. _Ben,_ she whispered. _I'm sorry._ She was completely exhausted and in terrible pain. And then she was gone.

Scrabbling shakily to his feet, he started the long climb back up to the light. It couldn’t be true. Not Rey. Not now. Not after everything. The chasm seemed to stretch into infinity. The climb took hours. Once he finally clawed his way over the edge, he could see her, lying haloed in a circle of light. Still and unmoving. 

It took more time yet to reach her, he kept falling over. The moment Ben touched her, he knew it was too late. She was cool to the touch. He cradled her in his arms, weeping as he failed to heal her. Then all he had was her tunic. She’d slipped away. He heard the laughter of the Masters as they followed. Over and over again he watched her fade from his arms. 

Ben came awake screaming out for Rey, the chamber he was in still trembling slightly. His face was wet with tears and his throat ached. He pushed up onto his hands off his rough pallet.

It had been weeks since he experienced such a nightmare. And this one was so _vivid._ Ben could feel Rey’s hair under his hands, and the weight of her slender body in his arms. The nameless place where the Bond had resided throbbed like a wide, gaping wound. His healed bones ached. The small amount of food he had choked down earlier threatened to come up.

The dark side coiled around him as if it were a living thing. This Temple hummed with it almost constantly, and it relished his presence. Perhaps it was time to try blood magic again. It had brought him a sense of peace for a little while. He still had the Sith texts he’d picked up on Mustafar. Grandfather’s notes had proved most helpful. Standing up, he turned up his lantern. Now where had he put his knife?

A short time later, Ben settled himself against one of the tall pillars, sitting cross legged on the wide stone apron that surrounded the building. Rolling back his sleeves, he began the short ritual. It was originally designed to use another person as the source of blood, though that was neither his preference nor currently practical.

He had tried to do this inside, but no matter where he sat in his room, the gleaming white of Rey’s tunic drew his attention, leaving him utterly unable to concentrate. Botching a Sith ritual was not something he wanted to try. Ben realized he was self-destructive and suicidal, but he wasn’t stupid. Though it was the shame that followed at the thought of Rey’s disapproving gaze that finally drove him outside to sit under the stars.

+~+~+~+~+

Rey walked steadily towards him through a long, dark tunnel, faint stars twinkling off in the far distance. She was dressed in a long flowing robe, unlike anything he had ever seen her wear.

#+#+#

Ben saw the once warm connection between them withering, as though it were a plant starved for sunlight and water. The place where it had been growing dark and cold. He felt himself falling further into the dark side. Losing all sight of the Light, of his memories of Rey. He never deserved the faith she placed in him. He never deserved to hope. He’d slain so many people.

His future stretched out before him, long and depressing. He saw himself wandering endlessly across the galaxy. Seeking places to hide from the burgeoning Republic, from the scattered remnants of the First Order. Going farther and farther from the Core, trying to outrun civilization itself. Losing more and more of himself as he desperately sought oblivion.

#+#+#

Rey smiled at him, wide and loving. Her eyes were warm and filled with unshed tears.

#+#+#

Ben stood before a stone altar, admiring his handiwork. Dameron and the traitorous stormtrooper lay dead at his feet, the last drops of blood still seeping from their slit throats. With one finger he carefully applied the last glyph to the unconscious woman’s forehead. Wiping the blood from his hands, he picked up the ancient Sith tome and began the final steps of the ritual.

The dark magic sank slowly into his bones, seeking his sundered connection with Rey to draw forth her spirit. Why had he been so resistant to this plan? It was perfect, literally killing two birds with one stone. Rey would have no choice but to stay with him as her closest friends were dead, and she owed him her life. Behind him, he could feel Kun’s almost gleeful satisfaction as Ben finished the incantations.

#+#+#

Rey stopped before a perfectly round circle. The slender white edge stark against the infinite black beyond it. She raised her hand, reaching out for the invisible surface.

+~+~+~+~+

Hours later, Ben opened his eyes to the first grey light of dawn. Dried blood curled in dark lines along the small wounds and glyphs covering his arms. His hands were positively sticky with it. Wiping his face, he found his nose had bled as well. He was terribly chilled and his clothes were damp with morning dew.

While he felt hollowed out and weak, Ben could still easily sense the Force. The last time he had done this, he had been almost completely numb for weeks. This had barely blunted his Force abilities at all. Phantom images of his reveries drifted through his mind. What part of those dreams had been Kun’s doing? Slaughtering Dameron and the traitor, certainly. While that would bring him a small bit of satisfaction, it would truly serve no purpose. Though the bits about Rey had been exceedingly strange.

Leaning his head back against the stone, he watched the sky gain more and more color. The clearing around the Temple meant he had an excellent view of the sunrise. Ben felt a tingling on the edge of his awareness. Had Kun returned to taunt him further? He focused his full attention to the sensation. It was like pins and needles pressing against him, like sensation returning to a limb gone numb. That wasn’t Kun. Not this.

 _What now?_ Closing his eyes he focused, working through the fuzziness the ritual had left behind. It felt like… _Rey!_ A wave of hope washed over him, immediately followed by sadness and longing. No. That was impossible… this had to be some sort of trick, surely. There was no way this was real. Grabbing his knife, he stood, ignoring the crunch of stiff joints and sore muscles. He needed to step away from the Temple, maybe that would make it stop.

Crossing the moat, Ben closed his eyes and reached out for the Force. The sensation was clearer now. It _was_ Rey. He could not sense her emotions, but he could sense her presence. How?? Every step he took away from the Temple caused the sensation to grow infinitesimally stronger.

Ben clenched his fist around the knife and felt the dried blood stretch and crack across the back of his hand. His arms were frightfully crusty. It looked like he had killed someone. He needed to clean up. The moment he stepped back onto the stones crossing the moat, the burgeoning connection with Rey began to fade.

Walking across the small stretch of water was difficult, feeling her slip further and further from his grasp. When Ben stepped onto the stone apron of the Temple, the connection to Rey was down to the slimmest thread, overshadowed by the dark side. As he stepped through the main doorway, he pictured driving the blade in his hand into his abdomen, or perhaps making the shallow cuts across his forearms deeper, opening his veins up and spilling all of his blood onto the ancient stone floor. It would be so simple. No more struggle. No more pain.

Shaking his head to drive away the self destructive thoughts, Ben quickly washed away the dried blood, some of the cuts seeping again in response. Wrapping bandages down his arms, he pulled his sleeves into place against his wrists. His fingertips brushed against the cool metal of his knife. It was frightfully cold. Touching it felt wrong. And the hilt was too small. Standing, he crossed to the pillar holding the lightsabers. His palms itched with the urge to pick them up.

It was time to leave this place. Somehow, he could sense Rey again, and the immense dark side energy was blocking that out. Kun would give him nothing, and his suicidal impulses had just grown more powerful the longer he stayed. And he was infinitely tired of being told what he _should_ do.

Throwing his meager belongings into his satchel, Ben crossed to the sabers. He hadn’t touched them since he’d arrived here, hadn’t used or carried one in _months_. But something urged him to slide the family saber onto his belt. Setting Rey’s bundle and his mother’s saber on top, he closed up his bag. He threw it over his shoulder, grabbed his cloak and gloves, and walked quickly out toward the daylight.

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more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like where this is going. I was asked for more by a commenter and this is where we've ended up.
> 
> Kudos and comments help keep me going.


	4. In Between (Rey)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey travels through the World Between Worlds. She can sense Ben shining like a beacon. She sees different futures, different presents… what other paths they might have taken.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fabulous beta job by theaberrantwritergirl!! Thank you so much!  
> Find her work [here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theaberrantwritergirl/pseuds/theaberrantwritergirl)

Rey walked hesitantly down the flat, dark pathway. Far overhead, distant stars twinkled and danced. There was no sound here, and she found the endless quiet remarkably unsettling. Ben’s longing pulled at her, his pain like a knife edge along her skin. Looking back over her shoulder, the portal that she came through was nowhere to be seen, only an endless ribbon of black stretching off into the distance. Odd. She didn’t think she’d gone that far.

Up ahead Rey could see a splash of white. An intersection? Yes. Another long path crossing this one. Three options…. she paused in the center and listened to the Force. Forward, left or right? She faced each direction in turn and took a single step, focusing intensely. Right. The right fork, definitely. The others felt like she was moving further from Ben.

After a while, she came upon a portal. A fathomless black circle outlined with a white ring, just as she had seen at the beginning. Closing her eyes, Rey reached out with the Force. The signature reminded her of the mirror in the cave on Ahch-To. She felt a slight pull towards it. What would this show her? 

Stepping closer, she reached out a hand to touch the surface. Gentle ripples flowed away from her fingertips, as if she had touched a still pond. Images flooded her mind. 

Rey saw herself standing at a counter littered with small parts. Her hair was dark and pulled back into a long braid, covered by a deep blue scarf. She wore a simple set of brown coveralls, folded down to the waist showing a black shirt. There was no weapon at her side. She was steadily cleaning her hands with a rag, laughing at something. 

Across from her double stood an older woman with a wide smile, a single thin streak of dark grease slanting across one cheek. _Her mother!_ Older, with faint grey threads winding through her hair, but she would never forget that face.

From somewhere outside her view, Rey heard a male voice calling. Her father walked into the room, pausing to kiss her mother. He wiped at the grease streak with his thumb. “What have you two been up to today?”

Her mother answered. “The freighter is almost repaired, and it should be ready to sell within the week. Rey worked her tail off this afternoon. Were you able to find the right connections for the landing gear?”

“I was. They’re already in the hanger.”

“I can go get started—”

“Absolutely not. It is time for dinner. You’ve been out there all day. You need to go and wash up. That freighter will be out there tomorrow.” Standing up, her mother crossed over and gave her a hug. Rey could sense the deep love her parents held for each other and for her.

The scene before her blurred as her eyes filled with tears, longing pouring through her. Rey gasped and pulled back her hand as if she’d been burned. This is what might have been, had Palpatine just left them alone. Could she step through and reach that life? Could this idyllic scene be hers to keep? Did Ben _exist_ in that world? Was he a Jedi? Was she Force sensitive? Could her family just continue to hide?

Rey stretched out her hand again, pushing through the surface this time, the other hand coming up to touch it as well. Did the First Order even exist here? Had the Republic fallen? Was this _real_ or just an unbelievably tempting vision? Surely the life she saw could not truly be this idyllic. What would happen if she crossed through?

There _must_ be complications she did not see. She trembled with need. This simple family had been all she’d ever dreamed about. Rey stretched out with the Force and just drank in the affection these people had for one another, committing everything she could to memory. The temptation to step through, to attempt to claim what should have been hers all along was so great she almost succumbed. 

This wasn’t hers. It _should_ have been, but it was not. How wonderful this looked. But it wasn’t _real_. Instinctively, Rey knew that. Steeling herself, she pulled away with a broken sob. The scene dissolved away into the black. She sank to her knees and wept bitterly for what she could not have.

After a few moments, Rey slowly stood, shoulders hunched in sorrow. What else would she find here? What other pathways might her life have taken? Looking back at the portal with longing, she forced herself to put one foot in front of the other.

Rey walked and walked, distance meaningless with no landmarks. She encountered two more branching paths, using her connection with Ben as a guide to choose her route each time. Not far after the second intersection, she came across another portal.

What did this one have to show her? Taking a deep breath, she laid her left hand flat against the surface. She saw herself, yellow eyed and dressed in black. There was an odd symbol on her cheek. In front of her was Ben, but he too had yellow eyes. Her double walked forward and folded her arms around him. He sank his hands into her hair and kissed her.

“Are you ready, my dear?”

“Yes.”

They walked through an open doorway. In the next room there was a young human male kneeling, a thick metal collar locked around his throat, chains running down to the ground. Rey stepped to face him, placing her fingertips on his temples. 

“No, please no!” He tried to pull away but could not move.

“Shhhhh. There is no need to fear.” Her double closed those frightful yellow eyes and concentrated. The man went slack and slumped forward.

“Excellent work. When he wakes, he should be ready to join our acolytes.”

Her double gave Ben a twisted grin, clearly pleased with herself.

Disturbed, Rey pulled her hands away from the portal. Was this the future that lay ahead of her? She knew Ben was living in a Sith temple. Would this be the price she would pay for cheating death?

Rey shuddered. Surely not. He’d turned his back on the dark side once. She’d just have to convince him to do it again. Turning from the frightening scene, she moved further down the path. 

It was not long before she came upon another white ring. Taking a deep breath, she placed her hand against the enclosed surface. The black disappeared into brilliant brightness. Sun reflecting off the pale sand surrounding an open marketplace. Jakku! She heard angry voices, including her own. The market was slightly busier than she remembered. She was dressed in the clothes she remembered, holding her staff. There was a large human male yelling at her. Cowering behind her was a small Twi’lek female, looking absolutely terrified.

The angry man in front of her reached out a hand to slap her. She blocked it with her staff. Four henchmen stepped forward, brandishing metal batons. One swung for her head. From outside of her viewpoint, a large hand reached in, catching the weapon.

Ben…. he looked so different, dressed in a dark brown jacket and olive colored pants,a blaster strapped to his side. There was a thin beard across his chin, his hair pulled back off his forehead. Behind him was a dark skinned girl dressed in Jedi robes, a lightsaber at her side. Jannah?! 

The scene blurred, and she saw herself and the unknown girl hurrying up the gangplank of the Falcon, following Jannah. The old freighter looked in better shape than she had ever seen it. 

Ben looked leaner certainly, but also infinitely happier. And with Jannah as his traveling companion, who was clearly a Jedi? What circumstances had led to _this_ version of events? As curious as she was to find out, this was not the right place for her either. Drawing her hands back, she stepped away. Hopefully she would have an opportunity to think about it later.

Looking up at the stars overhead, she had to believe that she would find the place where she belonged somewhere. Her world, with _her_ Ben. Closing her eyes, she reached out for him through the Force. Darkness surrounded him, clung to him like a choking vine. He felt closer somehow. Was he dreaming? Once she had been able to comfort him in the night, but that was impossible now. All she sensed in him was sorrow and anger feeding on one another endlessly.

Something told her she needed to hurry.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for your patience. Sorry for the short chapter. More is coming - I anticipate being done with this story by the turn of the year at the very latest.


	5. The City (Ben)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben finds an abandoned city in the jungle while following the pull of his connection to Rey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fabulous beta job by theaberrantwritergirl!! Thank you so much!  
> Find her work [here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theaberrantwritergirl/pseuds/theaberrantwritergirl)

Ben followed the delicate thread of the Bond. It felt as if Rey were somewhere on Yavin IV. _How was that possible?_ He kept the X-Wing as close to the canopy as he dared, trying to allow the Force to guide him. Flying slowly, several hours passed before that thread started pulling _down_. He circled and looked below—the ground was a solid sheet of plant life. But some of it was growing in odd shapes… was that a square? The Force was strong here, both the Cosmic Force and the Living Force tangled tightly together.

There was nowhere to set down, the jungle was too thick. Ben made three more passes before he spotted a relatively flat area, though even that was still covered in solid blue and green growth. Once he landed the ship, he paused, sitting in the cockpit, trying to get his bearings. This whole area buzzed powerfully with the Force. He could sense dense animal and plant life, and somewhere underneath it all was Rey.

Through the canopy Ben could see the mottled purple bark of an immense Massassi tree not far away ringed with green climbing ferns. Flipping on the ship's internal beacon, he climbed out of the cockpit, latched the canopy, and hopped down to the ground. The spicy scent of crushed blueleaf filled his nostrils. Checking the tracker next to the saber on his belt, he loaded the remaining ration bars into his satchel along with his canteen.

It took a little time to realize he was actually walking through an ancient city, now massively overgrown. The buildings were virtually unrecognizable, all drenched in countless shades of green. Hours later, the sun was falling quickly toward the horizon, and he was still trudging through dense undergrowth, occasionally cutting through vines and bushes with the saber. He would have to find a place to make camp soon. Between the wildlife and the uneven footing, it would be far too dangerous to travel at night. Animal noises had been steadily growing throughout the day. Birds, mammals, and the things climbing through the canopy far overhead made for a lively cacophony. It did not seem as if anyone had been here for millennia.

After the third time he tripped, Ben finally admitted to himself he had to stop. He scrambled up into the bottom fork of a large Massassi tree and tried to get comfortable. The bowl like depression was large enough to hold him with room to spare. He wrapped himself in his cloak and pressed his back against the ferns growing on the wide trunk, hoping nothing would try to eat him while he slept. Exhaustion won out over nervousness soon enough, and he slipped into slumber.

+~+~+~+

Ben dreamed of a tiny green island in the middle of a deep blue lake. Rey stood on the far shore, dressed in shining white as she had been on Exegol. He felt a tingling in his hands where they touched the moss covering the ground. Looking down, he was horrified to see dark blood leaking from them. He tried to lift his hands, but they were stuck somehow. The earth beneath him drank the blood up greedily. Where it spread, the bright green growth turned a sickly deep gray. The entire island was quickly covered. It began seeping into the surrounding water, the blue rapidly turning pitch black. _Ben._ His eyes snapped up to see Rey enter the water, trying to reach him, the water rippling around her knees.

“No! It’s not safe!” Every step she took brought her closer to the black water, as she sank deeper and deeper. She hit the dark edge and only glanced down briefly, still continuing to move forward, the water now just past her waist.

“You have to go back!” She met his eyes and simply shook her head. About three feet from the shore of the island, she disappeared completely from his view, the ripples on the water stilling almost instantly.

 **" _Rey!!_ "** He struggled to break free of the ground but was stuck fast. 

After a moment, her pale hand broke the surface of the water and planted itself on the shore. Rey slowly crawled from the water, her clothes gone pitch black, a single Sith glyph etched in red high on her left cheek. Her pale yellow eyes glinted in the warm sunshine. _I’m here_ , he heard her whisper inside his head. Horror bloomed in his heart.

The moment Rey touched his knee, his hands broke free of the ground. Ben brought his trembling hand up to her cheek, thumb stroking over the glyph. His touch left a smear of dark blood across her skin. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He’d corrupted her, poisoned her, just as he always knew he would. His voice was shaking, and he felt tears gathering in his eyes.

“Why are you sorry? Isn’t this what you wanted?” Her voice sounded odd. She reached for the family saber hanging on his belt and pulled his mother's off her waist. Easing back onto her heels, she activated them both. Two red blades burst to life between them. “See? Now they match. Just like us.”

The sound of his own voice screaming woke Ben from the nightmare. The deep red glyph carved into the curve of Rey’s cheek danced before his eyes. He flung himself to the side and quickly emptied the contents of his stomach off into the darkness. It took a moment for him to remember exactly where he was. His heart hammered loudly inside his chest. Bark scraped against his palms as he struggled not to fall out of the tree. _Damn nightmares._ Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he spat and then scooted back to the center of the tree fork. His hip throbbed angrily. He could not remember the last time he'd camped in the woods.

Blackness yawned hungrily in every direction, the moonlight making little dent among the trees. Suddenly Ben was acutely aware of his place on the food chain. It had been decades since he was afraid of the dark, but being out here under the canopy suddenly felt like a terrible idea. Not that he could do anything about it now. He forced himself to go back to sleep, disturbed by the sensation of eyes watching him from the shadows.

It felt like only moments passed before he was blinking blearily against the bright rays of sunrise. Had he dreamed again at all? Ben had an impression of Rey’s worried face against the endless blackness of space. He reached for her instinctively, relieved when her signature hummed on the other end of the Bond. She felt so far away from him, but the fact that he could sense her presence at all was an incredible gift. He stretched the kinks from his shoulders and hip, then started the climb down.

+~+~+~+

Ben had been walking for a couple of hours when he paused for a water break. He was leaning up against a tree when he felt a slight tremble in the Force. Luke appeared before him, looking decidedly more ragged than he had on Crait, with longer hair and beard.

“You look like hell.”

“Gee, thanks,” Ben sneered. “I could say the same about you.”

Luke made a dismissive noise. “When was the last time you ate? A real meal, not ration bars.”

Ben shrugged. “I have no idea. A couple of weeks, maybe?” He suspected it was likely much longer.

“You know this isn’t going to be easy. The Jedi built this place here for a reason. Your kind aren’t exactly welcome.”

Rolling his eyes, Ben asked “Why are you _here_ ?”

“To tell you that I’m sorry.”

He turned away from his uncle’s shade in frustration, setting his canteen back in his satchel. “Yes, you failed me. Clearly,” he said sarcastically. “Didn’t we cover this on Crait?”

“I’m sorry about what happened on Exegol. About Rey.”

Ben’s head popped up in surprise. Anger flooded through him and his lips curled in a snarl. “Then why didn’t you _help_ her? Or help me? I know the Jedi were there.”

“We couldn’t. Once you finally reached her, Rey was dead. I don’t believe you had even started to climb yet when Palpatine died. Didn’t you sense the blast of dark side energy? Because _that’s_ what killed her. The same thing that killed your grandfather on the second Death Star. Even with your connection there was no way to bring her back after that long.” Luke shook his head.

“Then where is she now? Why can I suddenly sense her again?”

“Somewhere between life and death. Follow your instincts.”

Ben paused, hoping for more information. When Luke just stood there, he said, “That’s it? Really?” He shook his head in irritation. “Go away, old man. If you won’t help me, leave me the hell alone.”

“You’re looking for forgiveness, Ben. But you have to find a way to forgive yourself if you want to save her.” And then Luke was gone.

Ben resisted the urge to yell after him. He suspected he would need every drop of energy before this day was done.

+~+~+~+

By midafternoon, Ben thought could see something larger up ahead, and nature did not generally build box-like shapes. Clamoring through the thick foliage, he realized there was pale grey stone visible underneath the roots of a particularly massive Massassi tree. The roots had grown through the walls themselves, cracking open the building. He paused beside the dark fissure and peered inside. The Bond tugged and writhed. This was it—this was where he needed to go. He was exhausted after fighting his way through tangled underbrush for hours. The thought of even footing was suddenly very appealing.

Ben shimmied inside through the slender opening. Sunlight filtered in through other slim cracks in the wall. The room he found within was large. And chilly. He pulled his lantern out and switched it on. The weak light it cast did little to disperse the gloom. Pausing, he closed his eyes and reached out to the Force, trying to get an idea on where to go. Forward. And down.

This place was gigantic. Jedi carvings peered down from the top of every wall. Ben passed a grand staircase leading upwards to the next floor. Major intersections had flattened corners covered in decorative swirls interspersed with Jedi symbols. Eventually he found himself in a long hallway. Both walls were covered floor to ceiling in the Jedi Creed carved into the stone in dozens upon dozens of different languages. Over and over and over. 

At the very end Ben paused in front of _There is no death, there is the Force_ inscribed in swirling Ancient Corellian. Wild rage poured through him. He had the sudden urge to destroy everything in sight. The Force had abandoned him. Abandoned them both and allowed Rey to die. _Alone._ It was too much to bear. 

Growling under his breath, Ben stomped through the doorway in front of him. He found a huge open chamber, with statues four to five meters tall standing in the corners as guardians, each clutching a lightsaber. Deep inside the Temple, they were completely unexposed to the wind and weather and looked as if they might take a breath at any moment.

A large, circular mosaic was inlaid into the middle of the floor. It was the Jedi symbol created with thousands of small stones, worn smooth by countless feet. Ben paused, looking down at the symbol. The Force thrummed strongly here. He was a dark side user in the very heart of a Jedi Temple. He had murdered fellow padawans. People who had been his _friends_ , who trusted him. The old self-loathing brought bile up to the back of his throat.

“What do you want, Ben Solo?” His own altered voice came from behind him, the last two words said like a curse. He startled, turning to see Kylo Ren standing there, wide and powerful. Red lines trailing across the black helmet. “What do you think you can accomplish here? You are unwelcome. Everywhere. You turned your back on the Jedi. You left the First Order. You refuse to join the Sith. You are _alone_. Just as you always were. Just as you always _will be._ ”

“Rey is _here_. Somewhere.” Despite his turbulent emotions, he could feel her presence growing stronger by the second.

“Really?” Kylo Ren looked around the room. “I don’t see her. And even if she is, what _possible_ use would she have for you? She walked away from you after you killed Snoke, remember? When you offered her _everything_. Women want someone who is strong—you’re a weak willed coward.”

“I don’t care if she wants me, I just need to know where she is. I need to know that she’s alright!”

“You couldn’t save her on Exegol. What makes you think you’ll do any better here?”

“I will.” Defiance poured through him, followed by a resurgence of that white hot rage. He had agonized over that horrible moment for months. Saw it in nightmare after nightmare.

“How? You’re no Jedi.” Ben closed his eyes against the shame.

“I was…. Once.” He’d had the potential again for the briefest moment, until his foolish anger won out.

“You’re surely not one now. You don’t practice, you don’t meditate, you actively seek out the dark side. You carved Sith runes into your own flesh! She’d be sickened by the sight of you, and you know it.”

“It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter if she hates me, it doesn’t matter if she never wants to look at me again. I will find her! I will save her!”

“Not acting like this you won’t.” Leia’s sarcastic tone echoed from behind him. 

Ben turned again to see his mother standing behind him. Dressed as she would be for a cabinet meeting.

“Let the past go, son. You can’t change any of it. Not what happened on Starkiller. Not what happened at the Temple. Not what happened on Exegol. Rey’s death was not your fault.”

Despite himself, he felt tears at the corners of his eyes, sorrow and regret swelling within him. Through gritted teeth he growled, “You’re dead. He’s a vision. None of this is real.”

Ben stumbled forward, shoved by a heavy hand in the middle of his spine. “You sure about that?” He heard the tell tale snap hiss as a lightsaber activated. Wheeling around he stepped away, instinctively pulling the saber from his belt.

Kylo Ren swung his red blade down. Ben fought to counter it, barely blocking the saber before it sliced him in half. He staggered under the force behind the blow. Had his shoulders really been that wide? Perhaps. Back when he had regular meals and exercise. Wasn’t a crazed hermit living in Sith temples.

“C’mon, Ben. Defend yourself!”

His mother’s voice strengthened his arm. He hated showing weakness, especially in front of her. Counter, counter, swing. Dodge. Press the attack against his left side. He knew what was coming at him. Knew the way Kylo would occasionally pause, looking down the blade at his opponent. They fought, ranging all over the room. Soon, Ben began to tire. The power behind that crackling red blade driving him back and back. He had no stamina compared to the beast of a man before him, he hadn’t fought anyone since Exegol. Muscle memory only served him for so long.

Once upon a time Ben would have been able to draw on rage to fuel him. But that rage had only served to burn him up, cook him from the inside out. It no longer gave him any strength. And he realized the only person he was truly mad at was himself. Not the Jedi. Not Snoke. Not Palpatine. _He_ had made these choices. He’d stumbled into another chance but had finally given up completely when he lost her. 

Ben blocked two more hard blows before falling to his knees beneath the onslaught, the legacy blade knocked free of his hand to clatter across the floor. “Go ahead. Finish it. I don’t deserve to be here. I don’t deserve Rey. I never did.” 

He closed his eyes, unwilling to watch the fatal blow fall. It never came. The ominous crackle of the red lightsaber faded.

Ben opened his eyes to find himself kneeling on the mosaic. Tears streamed down his face. He fell forward onto his hands, feeling battered and exhausted, as if he’d just spent an hour sparring with his Knights. But the darkness coiled around his heart had receded just a touch. He’d been so willing to die. Did he really deserve the release of death? But if Rey was coming closer, he had to be willing to live. At least long enough to assure himself that she was well. What happened next… he’d face that eventually.

Slowly, Ben climbed to his feet, hands and shoulders aching. Leia was nowhere to be seen. It took a moment for him to locate the Skywalker saber, lying halfway across the room. Walking over to it, he remembered Luke’s words. _Could_ he forgive himself? Did he deserve any grace or mercy? He’d turned his back on the Light not once but twice.

What had he done since he’d lost Rey? Mostly raged and howled and sought oblivion... in alcohol, in forbidden Sith magic, by attempting to sever his connection to the Force. He’d drunk himself into unconsciousness more times than he could count. He’d even deliberately tried to end it all once but hadn’t cut quite deep enough. His forearms were ugly and scarred. 

He had looked for any way he could think of to break the unbearable quiet. Trying desperately to forget how utterly alone he felt now that she was gone. He’d had that complete connection for one brief, glorious moment, and then it just disappeared. His entire life Ben had heard voices. But now there was nothing but silence. And it was _killing_ him. When Kun’s voice had started echoing inside his skull, it had almost been a comfort, except it only served to remind him of the endless lies the dark side had whispered to him his entire life.

  
Rey had to be here somewhere. _Had to be._ To be reminded of what he had found, teased with that connection and being unable to bring it to fruition… he wouldn’t leave here alone one way or another.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Double update, basically.
> 
> I hope you and yours are well, dear readers. Stay safe.
> 
> Every comment brings me joy!!


	6. In Between II (Rey)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is still traveling.... she experiences more visions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fabulous beta job by theaberrantwritergirl!! You are awesome! Thank you so much!  
> Find her work [here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theaberrantwritergirl/pseuds/theaberrantwritergirl)

Rey pulled her hands back, cursing as she shook. This last vision had been painful and frightening, a realization of some of her worst fears. She’d seen a version of herself standing alone on a desert planet, looking into a pair of twin suns close to the horizon. Her heart had been aching and empty. Ben was dead and she was alone  _ again. _ The thought of solitude after everything they had experienced together was horrid.

_ Damn. Just keep going. The right portal is here. It has to be. _

Very shortly, sooner than she expected, she encountered another portal. Bracing for whatever she might see within, she pressed her fingertips to the surface. There was a reason she was seeing these alternate timelines. Surely there was some wisdom to be found here, even if this wasn’t her world.

Rey saw Ben standing in the middle of the burning debris of Snoke’s opulent throne room, his gloved hand outstretched. “Join me. Please.” They were both bloodied and looked exhausted. 

She remembered the emotions rolling through her at that moment. How very tempted she had been by his offer. Her double made a different choice and nodded. “You have to let the Resistance go. Order them to stop firing right now, and I will stay with you.”

Ben’s eyes were huge and dark. Rey could sense the terror in him, that she would abandon him, as everyone else always had. “Done.” 

He crossed to the viewscreen and punched a button. “Control room. Cease firing immediately.”

“Sir?”

His tone immediately shifted, the words harsh and clipped. “ _ You heard what I said,  _ Captain. Stop all attacks on the fleeing Rebel transports.  _ Let them go. _ Continue monitoring their position, but do  **not** engage.”

“Yes, sir,” came the quick reply.

“Satisfied?”

Rey lifted her chin, tears falling down her cheeks. “Yes, thank you.”

There was a blur as time passed. They sat at the head of a large table, datapads scattered about. Ben was looking at her intently, truly  _ listening _ as she said, “...there is no need to continue these, if we want people to actually want to be a part of the First Order,” pointing out something on the tablet in her hands. He nodded and smiled at her. 

Another blur. Ben sat on a dark throne wearing a long black jacket, tied off with a wide belt, making his shoulders look even broader. His hair had grown, brushing past his collar. Her double sat beside him, in a high necked black gown, hair wound into an elaborate braid. A silvery gray brooch set with a deep red jewel was pinned below her left shoulder. The legacy saber lay on the arm of his throne, another saber lay on hers. Behind them stood the Knights of Ren.

“I hereby formally request a permanent cessation to all hostilities between the First Order and the New Republic.” Leia stood before them, flanked by an entourage that included Poe, D’Arcy, and a tall elegant woman with pale purple hair.  _ Where was Finn? _ she wondered.

Rey watched her double smile and gaze lovingly at the man sitting beside her. “I look forward to signing the treaty, Chancellor,” Ben said. She pulled her hands away from the portal and sighed heavily. Such a missed opportunity. So many deaths avoided. A true reunion between mother and son. Would he have agreed to any of it? Perhaps. Perhaps not.  _ Damn. _ Shaking her head, she stepped away. 

She walked and walked and  _ walked _ . Time stretched oddly. Rey could have been traveling for hours or days. There were no portals in sight but plenty of paths. At each split she paused, but twice neither option seemed better than the other. 

The unending pitch black of space pressed heavily down on Rey like a living thing. The sheer  _ emptiness _ of it all. The twinkling stars off in the distance did little to comfort her. She’d passed at least six different junctions, and it was impossible to keep track of where she had already traveled. Was she making actual progress or simply going in circles? 

A narrow ribbon of road stretched out before her, seemingly forever. If she came back to the same portal would it show her the same vision? The same tantalizing possibilities that she had seen so far? Fear snaked down her spine. She shivered, chilled by the endless black.

_ Stop. _ Fear was not helpful and would surely lead her down the wrong path. Rey paused and sank to her knees, reaching for him through the Force.  _ Ignore the vast emptiness, _ she told herself.  _ You have no body—you cannot truly feel cold. Find  _ **_him_ ** _. He is your beacon. He is alive. _

_ Ben. _ She pictured his face before her. She had to get back to Ben. The Bond flickered but held. He was growing closer. She had to keep going because he felt alone and was quickly self destructing. Fading. Seeking out dark magic. After everything he’d survived, it made her incredibly sad, and determined to reunite with him.

Something extremely malevolent suddenly loomed close. Rey’s eyes snapped open. A smoky grey, vaguely humanoid form hovered, eyes glowing yellow. A stream of words she did not understand poured forth. Rey clambered quickly to her feet and took two steps backward. Tremendous hostility emanated from it.

“A wayward Jedi? All for me?” it hissed in Basic. The shadow floated closer. She felt  _ examined _ . “No stranger to the dark side, are you, little one.” 

Fear bloomed in her heart.  _ What was this thing? _ She heard a satisfied chuckle. 

Instinctively, Rey's hand clutched at the empty space where her lightsaber once hung.  _ Dead. You’re dead and unarmed and in trouble _ . Rey tamped down at the panic quickly swelling. She was a  _ Jedi _ . The Force was with her. She was not alone. Desperately, she thought back to the Jedi texts—what could she do to defend herself? She didn’t  _ need _ a saber.

“What do you want?” She tried to level out her emotions, finding calm and balance.

The shadow swelled, growing in size. “You, child. Your light, your darkness, your  _ power. _ ”

Rey squared her shoulders and took a deep breath. She stretched out for the Force. It was easy here, just like breathing. She sensed the spirit before her, like a dark spot against the rest of this neutral space. Taking both hands she  _ pushed _ forward, turning the Force into a solid weight, throwing the spectral figure backwards. It hovered, suspended in space off the edge of the walkway before her. The spirit snarled and reached out with tendrils.

_ Now Light. _ Closing her eyes, Rey pulled the Force into herself and focused on everything good and clean and bright that she had ever seen. Finn’s smile. Leia’s hope. Rose’s strength. Someone offering a helping hand to someone in trouble.  _ Ben racing into the citadel on Exegol with nothing but a blaster to help her. _ Focus,  **focus** . She pictured the words of the text in her mind. “Pull the Force into yourself until you feel as if you are about to burst and then imagine it glowing, shining out through every pore, shining like a star about to go nova.” 

_ And release. _

Rey felt heat boiling under her skin, and she opened her eyes. Light illuminated her on all sides, emanating from her very being. The spirit shrieked in response and fled off into the distance, out of sight. Power made her head swim. 

To siphon some of it off, she reached out for Ben, trying to focus on a better trajectory, reassuring herself that she was traveling in the correct direction.  _ There. _ She quickly walked forward, the light fading slowly away.

She walked for quite some time before she felt another presence growing closer. Something immensely  _ powerful _ . Rey trembled slightly, her anxiety growing at the sheer strength of the presence. After a long moment, a tall, willowy humanoid female dressed in white coalesced to stand in front of her. She was pale and beautiful, with a veritable mane of long pale green hair flowing freely across her shoulders and down her back. 

The two women regarded one another, and Rey was stunned by the amount of power she could sense in the being in front of her. It was the Light, through and through, of that there was no doubt.

“My name is Rey. Who are you?” 

“I am the Daughter.” The tall woman looked down her nose at Rey, one eyebrow rising haughtily over a pale green eye. “Tell me, child, why are you so special? What makes you different? Why should  _ you _ get to break the rules and return to life when no one else gets this opportunity?”

Rey hesitated for a moment, unsure. And then the Bond tugged and wriggled, sliding along her spine, sending tingles down to her toes. This.  _ This _ is why. The two of them were bound inextricably and death had severed their connection. She deserved to be happy. So did Ben. Words began to tumble forth.

“The Dyad.  _ That’s _ why. I was alone and miserable for most of my life.” Anger boiled as the memories washed over her. “For one tiny moment, Ben and I were truly connected and then I died! I died because the  _ Sith _ are allowed to cheat death! Why should they be the only ones? It was the  _ Force _ that tied me to Ben. Not Snoke, no matter what he claimed. Why can’t that connection bring me back to him? Ben is miserable! He’s hurting himself. Please. Please let me go back.”

“You honestly think you can save him,” she said with sorrow. “He's not the same man you knew.”

“Yes. I  _ know _ I can save him. I saw a future with him when I was on Ahch-To. And NONE of it came true.” By this point Rey was  _ livid _ . At this woman, at the Force, at the Sith, at every tiny speck of injustice life had piled upon her head. She took a step forward, looking up into the Daughter’s face.

“Was  _ every _ vision a lie? Just something to convince me to keep going so I could clean up the mess Palpatine made? Is that what you are telling me? Because I don’t believe the Force is that cruel. We make our own luck and our own choices. The Force steers us, but I was given this opportunity for a reason. Now let me pass!”

The woman cocked her head to one side as if she was listening to something unseen. “You have feelings for him.”

Rey briefly felt a flush cross her cheeks, but she lifted her chin and asked, “And?”

“Strong emotions have been the downfall of many Force users. Be wary, Rey.” The Daughter crossed her arms over her chest. “If you cannot save him, do you possess the strength to stop him?”

_ Oh. _ She shrugged. “I don’t know… But I don’t believe it will come to that.”

“For your sake, child, I hope that is true.” Then she simply faded out of sight.

“So do I,” Rey whispered.

She continued down the white ribbon of roadway slicing through the seemingly endless expanse. There was another intersection ahead—a simple fork in the road. She paused, trying to get an idea on which way to go. Opening her senses to the Link, she gasped.  _ Ben. _

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter coming within 24 hours.... these are writing themselves in pairs.
> 
> I hope you and yours are well, dear readers.  
> Stay safe and warm!!! I am in Louisiana and it is 20 degrees outside and white! The whole country is frozen!
> 
> Every comment brings me joy!!


	7. Atonement (Ben)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben goes through some things as he moves closer to Rey.
> 
> TW: suicidal thoughts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fabulous beta job by theaberrantwritergirl!! Thank you so much!  
> Find her work [here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theaberrantwritergirl/pseuds/theaberrantwritergirl)

The tug of the Bond had pulled Ben through one of the back doors of the giant room and another hallway to a staircase heading down. Fighting with Kylo Ren had completely exhausted him. His hip was a constant ache and the stairs were painful to traverse. It felt as if he’d been walking for days. There was no sense of time here—no sunlight, no stars. How long had it been since he entered? Several hours at least. 

Ben checked his chronometer—it was well after midnight. It had been somewhere in the afternoon when he entered the actual Temple. This place was massive and maze like, especially now that he felt like he had gone underground. This construction seemed older somehow. Was he going around in circles? One room looked much the same as the next.

A flash of Rey’s fear flickered through the link, followed by a hint of satisfaction? Where _was_ she? Ben quickened his steps. He _would_ find her. The Bond had never lied to him. _Never._ He forced himself to keep walking. One foot in front of the other. 

This hallway looked the same as the last…. but there was another room up ahead. “I’m impressed. No one has been able to get out of you what you _did_ with the map.” It was his own voice, altered by that damn helmet.

“You might want to rethink your technique,” came the sarcastic reply.

As Ben emerged from the hallway, Kylo Ren appeared once again, this time fixated on Poe Dameron strapped into an interrogation chair. _Damn._ Dameron turned and locked eyes with Ben, and suddenly _he_ was the one in the chair. The Force felt very far away as he was dropped into Dameron’s place in this scenario. He struggled to break free, but the bonds held him tight. His muscles clenched… he knew what was coming next.

“Where is it?” Ben watched the gloved hand come up, and then Kylo was cutting through his memories with a vibro axe, searching for information. He heard himself grunting and gasping, then finally screaming in pain as his mind was ransacked. He was forced to relive memory after memory. There were so few good ones to see. It seemed to go on and on and _on_.

The last thing he heard was Kylo’s smug voice saying “Ah, there it is. This could have been avoided if….” Then darkness fell.

Sometime later Ben awoke alone, sprawled across the floor, the room still slightly spinning. His head throbbed as if he’d been kicked by a bantha. Blood leaked from his nose and ears. It was a struggle just to make it to his hands and knees. _By the stars. That is what they felt?!_ He groaned. Snoke had tormented him enough over the years but had almost never sifted through his skull looking for something. Dameron was hardly the only victim he’d tortured in such a way, though perhaps he was the one he’d taken the most delight in hurting.

Shaking, Ben clambered to his feet and swayed heavily. Faces of the dead flashed before his eyes. Guilt, exhaustion, and pain pulled at his resolve. Was the Force trying to make him leave? Convince him to take his own life?

“I’m not giving up!” Ben yelled, desperately clinging to his determination. “Rey is _here_ and I will find her! If you want to stop me, you’re gonna have to kill me!” He had come this far. He wouldn’t turn back now. Even though at the moment it felt as though a stiff wind could blow him down.

Something off to his left caught his awareness. “Ben.” Leia shimmered into view.

“Mom.” It was really her. Her Force signature washed over him like a gentle balm. He felt tears prick at the corners of his eyes. Ben collapsed to his knees and felt the faintest pressure as her hand passed over his hair.

Leaning close, Leia whispered, “I can’t stay. But you _can_ do this. You’ve come so far already. _Eat_. Rest. Gather your strength. And remember what Luke told you.” Her palms connected with his cheeks as she pressed a ghostly kiss to his forehead and disappeared. He gasped, the unexpected brief comfort of his mother’s presence causing him to finally break down.

Ben closed his eyes and didn’t fight as the tears began to fall from his eyes. He sat back onto the floor, dropped his face into his hands and sobbed. Like he had not done since Rey died.

Kriffing _hell_ … he was so _tired._ Weary to the very core of his bones. Tired of fighting against his better nature. Tired of hating himself for all that he had done. All the deaths he had caused. Tired of punishing himself for all the terrible mistakes he had made, most especially for failing to save Rey. Tired of being angry all the time. Even though these days it was mostly at himself. All this energy spent and it had gained him nothing. Just more scars. He sniffed and scrubbed at his cheeks. Maybe it was time to let it all go.

What exactly was it Luke had said outside? He searched his memory. _But you have to find a way to forgive yourself if you want to save her. Could_ he forgive himself? Was he _worthy_ of forgiveness?

Ben remembered Luke’s voice from long ago. “Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. Your suffering. You can’t hate your enemies. Accept them for who they are. You won’t change them.” He had always been his own worst enemy. From the very beginning. Could he accept that the pull to the darkness would always be a part of him and move past it? Make better choices?

The Jedi Code danced before his eyes. “There is no emotion, there is peace.” He never was very good at that part. But maybe he could channel those emotions differently.

Sitting down felt far too good. How long had it been since he’d _slept_? Ben took his mother’s advice and spent a little while resting. Taking stock of his supplies, he was pleased to find he had seven ration bars left and half a canteen of water. He ate one, slowly, and then laid down to rest his eyes for just a moment.

After two hours of sleep he awoke with a cry. He had been dreaming of reuniting with Rey, and she was looking at him with unmitigated horror. Ben saw himself through her eyes for just a moment. His eyes were yellow, and there was a Sith sigil carved into the middle of his forehead. With trembling fingers he checked his face to make sure nothing had appeared. He took a small sip of water and rolled to his feet. He needed to keep moving.

A few hours later, Ben paused briefly to perch on the edge of yet another staircase so he could stretch out his aching hip. Nothing had been the same since Exegol. Rey had been such a light to him through so much darkness. Believed in him, and comforted him, even when he’d resisted it. She’d harassed him, angered him, fought with him, and become a part of his very soul. He had grown to depend on that connection so deeply. Even when she tried to block him out, he could sense that she was out there. Then she died. Without him. Leaving him alone again.

Darkness tugged at the edges of Ben’s vision. Doubts began to plague him. _Why_ was he doing this? Even if he found her, he would only drag her down to darkness and death. Rey didn’t deserve to be saddled with him. His head sank down, and he buried his face in his hands. He was broken and scarred—a decaying ruin, not a man. For a moment he imagined pulling out the saber and ending it, driving it straight through his chest. It would be so easy and she would be _free_.

Then the golden thread of the Bond shimmered and pulsed, more strongly than it had since the moment Rey died. Life, strength, _hope_ , flowed into him. After a moment Ben shuddered, and realized that the shadows surrounding him had grown substantially. He stood and pulled the saber off his hip, igniting it. Brandishing the blue blade, he squared his shoulders and focused with the Force. There was a trace of the dark side here, but the thread of connection kept pulling him forward. The stone ceiling closed into a long, wide hallway

 _Who do you want to be?_ Ben heard the whisper from behind him. He turned, looking for the source of the voice. Nothing was there. When he faced forward again, there was a long line of figures lining the hallway in front of him, standing like statues down either side, all eerily lit by the glow of lightsabers. On one side of the hallway the figures were dressed in blacks and greys, the other in Jedi robes. The faces staring at each other were startlingly similar. It was the same soul, on either side of the Fall.

When none of them moved after a moment, he extinguished the blade in his hand and attached it to his belt. Ben recognized a face here and there, mostly from historical holos, but most of them he did not know. Walking slowly through their ranks, he was struck by how different each side looked. Yellow eyes versus brown or green or blue. Deep wrinkles and glyphs on one, smooth cheeks on their counterpart. The tangible physical effects of corruption were startling. There were dozens of figures, races of every type. Many with those same sickly yellow eyes, carrying lightsabers of all manner of design, blades shining red. Who they were as Jedi facing them, lightsabers of every color held at the ready. 

Towards the far end he found Force users he knew. Exar Kun as a young Jedi. Standing across from him was the Sith spirit he had met. Next to him was Darth Vader, dressed in a long, flowing black cloak, helmet and mask intact. Brilliant red saber held ready to strike. He forced himself to look into the mask of the man he had idolized for so long. For just a moment he heard the faint sound of labored mechanical breathing followed by Palpatine’s distant cackle. Ben shuddered.

Turning, he examined Anakin Skywalker in his youth. He was dressed in far darker clothes than most of his fellow Jedi. Handsome, golden haired, his bright blue eyes staring forward. The very saber that was on his belt held upright in his hand. A strong jaw, steely determination in his expression. He knew the man had been active in the Clone Wars. 

Beside Anakin stood Ben’s younger self, standing just as tall. Dressed in pale cream and brown. Ink stains on the fingertips of the hand that held his original blue saber held aloft. His expression was open and earnest. Standing next to him was Rey in the white outfit she had died in. Leia’s saber shining bright blue in her hand.

Ben knew what he would see when he turned—his own face. Same black hooded cloak he wore now. Pale skin stretched tightly over a too thin frame. Long hair pulled back off his gaunt face, scraggly beard across his chin. But with dark yellow eyes. Beside his doppelgänger was Rey, dressed all in black, a double-bladed red lightsaber held in both hands. Her hair was braided back off her temples and flowed down over her shoulders in several smaller plaits. His double spoke, startling him. “This _is_ what you want, right? Drowning yourself in the dark side. Dragging her down with you?”

Rey said, “And I go willingly. The bond makes this inevitable. Where you go, I will follow. The dark side will claim us both.” She pulled up a sleeve to show Sith glyphs carved into her flesh. “You said I needed a teacher.” Her yellow eyes met his own. “Does my work meet with your approval?”

Ben was horrified. His stomach twisted and his eyes slammed shut. “I never wanted this for you. I wanted you to stand beside me.”

“As _what_ ?! You wanted us to _rule_ together.” He opened her eyes to look down at her. “What did you expect me to do?! Stick to my Jedi ways while we remade the galaxy? Impossible. Now, _get_ back in line.” Rey put a hand on his chest and pushed Ben into the suddenly empty space beside her. 

What would he have done had she accepted his request in Snoke’s throne room? He had wanted her because of who she was, even then. She was brave and good. Someone who pulled him inexorably toward the Light. Ruling the galaxy with him at the head of the First Order would have changed all of that. Made her into something dark and cruel. Someone like him. 

Pulling the saber off his belt, he ignited it. A red blade roared to life. It made him sick. Ben remembered the pain cracking his original had caused. That crystal had never felt right again. 

Looking across at his younger self dressed in Jedi robes, hale and whole, seemingly untouched by the darkness that had haunted his entire life…. Ben turned away. Had he really looked that eager? His eyes were pulled to Anakin’s face. Looking at those youthful eyes, there was no indication that he would become the scourge of the galaxy.

Anakin met Ben’s eyes and spoke. “We all make our own choices, one way or the other. My obsession with Padmé and my fear of losing her allowed Palpatine to easily manipulate me. Years later, on the Death Star, I realized Palpatine was going to kill Luke. My fear for my son helped me to see the truth. Helped me to see what was important. What is important to you?”

Ben knew the answer to that question. _Rey._ He looked back at Rey standing beside the Jedi he used to be. Saving her. That was all that mattered.

His entire life he had been manipulated, sinister voices whispering, sowing hatred and doubt into his mind. Darkness gathering slowly around him like a stormcloud. Until finally, Luke had been prepared to kill him. That act had driven Ben away from the Jedi, away from his family. Again, he’d been pushed into places he didn’t want to go. But he had still reacted instead of making a choice. For the first time in his life he’d made an independent choice—the _right_ choice—standing on the ruins of the second Death Star. Could he do it again?

“ _Who will you stand with?_ ” the disembodied voice whispered. Ben took a deep breath and focused on Rey’s face. The half-smile playing across her lips, hope and determination shining in her beautiful eyes.

“I stand with the Jedi.” _With her._ That was the true answer. The light in the hallway died as everyone else faded from view but Rey. 

“Well done, Ben.” Anakin’s voice echoed across the stone. Rey’s Jedi self nodded once at him, smiled softly and then disappeared. The blade in his hand glowed blue once more. Tension fell away from his shoulders. Extinguishing the saber, Ben clipped it to his belt. Holding the lantern up high he made sure he was alone. 

Rey grew closer with every step he took and Ben believed he would find her in this blasted labyrinth eventually. He followed the delicate thread of the Bond as it pulled him further down the dark hallway.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting there - this should be wrapped up very soon, I promise. I am thrilled that some of you are willing to stick with me for their journey.


	8. The Chamber

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dyad arrives at their destination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fabulous beta job by theaberrantwritergirl!! Thank you so much!  
> Find her work [here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theaberrantwritergirl/pseuds/theaberrantwritergirl)

Rey had been getting strange flickers through the Bond from Ben for a little while now. First waves of tremendous pain, followed by regret, grief, and then deep despair. She sensed him faltering again. As hard as could, she sent _I need you, don’t give up, please_ , hurtling along their connection. It was unlikely he had heard her, but she felt him strengthen just the same. She needed him to be there… wherever _there_ was. He was her beacon. Without him to guide her home, she knew she would become lost in this maze, trapped forever like the Sith spirit.

+~+~+~+

Ben noticed that after his encounter with the imaginary ranks of Force users, the layout of this place seemed to simplify. His path stopped meandering back and forth and focused into a clear line. The Force itself also grew stronger with every step. Something incredibly powerful and _ancient_ lay below. Perhaps Rey was trapped in it? Or was it a portal? 

He finally came to an archway made of simple thick stone blocks, which looked even older than the rest of this place. They had to have been here for millennia. The ancient Jedi symbol of a saber framed with flaring wings was carved into the keystone at the top. Ben stepped through the opening, eager to see what lay beyond. 

The room was large and almost completely spherical, with a staircase cut from the rock wall spiraling around the edge leading downwards. A small stone outcropping at the bottom, worn smooth with age, jutted out over a faintly glowing floor—something that looked like a frozen pond. Its glossy surface was perfectly round and resembled prisms caught within ice. The whole room resonated strongly with the Force. Ben felt…. uncomfortable. The Jedi stronghold over his head must have been constructed because of this space. He could feel it. Despite his trials, he was not truly welcome here. The Force made that clear. But he would not be deterred. 

Ben sensed Rey more clearly than he had at any point before now. The pull was coming from _here_ , even though the space was empty of life. The saber on his hip felt heavy, as if it was drawing him toward the bottom, to the shining floor. The farther down the stairs he went, the warmer he became, until finally he started to sweat profusely. Unlatching his cloak, he slipped the cowl over his head and dropped it on the thick stone platform at the foot of the staircase along with his lantern.

+~+~+~+

Hurrying down the path, Rey passed another portal. The direction of the Bond told her she could ignore it. Ben’s Force signature grew closer with each step. A right turn at another intersection… The Bond pulled and pulsed, hastening her steps. 

There was another portal just ahead. The Bond went straight to it, this was it! She stopped in front of the inky black circle, raising her hands and touching the surface. After a few moments, she could see a domed space beyond—and Ben! _Her_ Ben. The barrier on all of the other portals felt thin, but this one was different. Cold. Thick and solid. Like she was going to have to fight to pass through it. 

+~+~+~+

Standing on the outcropping over the portal, Ben sensed her right _there_ , just beyond his reach. He knew it. Would that surface hold him? Easing down off the platform, he gingerly touched it with his toes. Nothing shifted. But it felt as though it were humming with power. Rey’s signature pulsed. 

Walking out onto the surface, Ben sank to his knees in the center, following the insistent tug of the Bond. The pool was growing darker, the shiny prisms within dimming. His skin itched, and tingles of power flowed down his spine. 

Then he saw a shadow moving in the depths. Slowly, the grey shade coalesced into a solid figure. He could see Rey’s face, inhumanly pale, standing out against the darkness beyond. Ben activated the lightsaber he carried and tried to cut her free. The blue blade appeared to penetrate the surface, but no matter what he did, he could not make it part. Dropping the saber, he screamed wordlessly and started pounding on the barrier with his fists. He’d been searching for so long to bring her back and she was right _there._ Was this a trick of the Force? Some last mean-spirited vision? What was the _point_ of all of this?

Opening her hands, Rey placed her palms flat against the surface and closed her eyes. She sensed his incredible exhaustion. He was starting to doubt, to give in to rage and despair. Focusing, she reached for the Force, reached for _him_. Concentrated on sending, _Ben! Calm down and focus. Help me,_ **_please._**

He twitched, startled by the clarity of her voice in his mind. Tears streamed down his face, as Ben opened his hands and placed them against hers. _Rey. How… how are you_ **_here_ ** _?_ Stretching out his awareness, he felt the Bond blazing, the Force screaming. The surface against his hands grew cold, colder, then freezing, the cold so intense it threatened to burn the very flesh from his bones. Gritting his teeth he reached for her through their Bond, trying to pull her to him, as he had in the Force connections they once shared.

Rey was weak from traveling so long. The Force shrieked, a grating sound against her flesh. This was forbidden. This was _wrong._ The cold was making her shake. She had to trust in the strength of their connection. They both did, or this would never work. 

His fingers curled forward, sliding slowly through what felt like a thick, viscous membrane. The other side felt strange. Ben felt the cool touch of her flesh against his own as their fingers tangled. Clasping Rey’s smaller hands tightly in his own, he pulled, trying to free her from the icy surface. Bit by bit, molecule by molecule, her hands slid through, her forearms, then finally her face, her expression one of pure surprise. Straightening up, he wrapped his right arm around the smooth skin of her back and yanked with all the strength he had. Collapsing backwards, Rey fell across him, stark naked now that she was completely free of the portal. But she was utterly limp, not moving or breathing.

The Bond between them flared violently to life within him, and what Ben sensed from a distance on Exegol was suddenly happening once again. Rey was _fading_ , lying right there on top of him. He sensed the essence of her slipping away once more. Rolling them over, he desperately pressed one hand to her upper chest over her heart, her skin icy and stiff beneath his fingers, like she had been frozen. The Light side of the Force was so very strong here, just as the Dark side had been on Exegol. As his eyes slid shut, he opened himself completely to the Force in a way he had not done in months, letting it flow through him freely.

Driving away the panic bubbling within him, Ben imagined grabbing the cord that bound them together with both hands, drawing Rey closer, pushing his life energy into her body. Giving her everything he had. Imagined her heartbeat growing stronger in her chest, not weaker, every bit of air he had filling her lungs. She had to survive. She _must_. Soon all he could hear was the sound of her heart like a drum inside of his mind. Closing his eyes, the sound grew louder and louder, until it overtook his senses completely. Blacking out, he toppled bonelessly forward.

Sometime later, Rey slowly gained consciousness. The first thing she felt was the weight of something warm and heavy pressing her into the cool floor. Lifting her head, she saw a tangle of long black hair draped across her shoulder. He wasn’t moving. Closing her eyes, she reached for Ben through the Force. He was _alive._ Deeply unconscious but alive. The Bond between them burned, full of pins and needles. But she could sense him. Once again, she was struck by the darkness within his heart, though it seemed less than when she had followed him to the Sith Temple.

Pushing up with both hands, Rey struggled to shove him off of her. Her limbs felt weak and rubbery. She felt bones far too close under Ben’s skin. _How long have I been gone?_ His weight loss made it possible for her to heave him over onto his back, his dark hair creating a wild halo on the pale floor. In the strange, phosphorescent light coming from the portal, she examined his face up close. His skin had a dreadful pallor, and he was frighteningly thin. There was dark scruff on his chin and deep purple circles under his eyes. His cheekbones stood out. Without the drape of the cowl around him, his shoulders looked incredibly slender, especially compared to the giant she remembered. His collarbones were almost sharp. 

Tears gathered in her eyes. Ben looked so different. So broken. A far cry from the powerful warrior who’d stood beside her on Exegol. Fitting herself against his side, Rey lay her ear on his chest, comforting herself with the sound of his heartbeat, faint but steady. She could touch him, move him, _feel_ him under her fingertips. By the stars, she’d actually found a way back to him. There was no way she was strong enough to get them both out of here. Wherever here was. She’d give him a little while to wake up naturally. Surely he knew the way out.

Looking down, it finally occurred to Rey that she was completely naked. Spying his cloak at the edge of the surface, she stumbled over to pull it down. Clasping it around her neck, it absolutely enveloped her. She pulled the cowl over her chest, trying to arrange the fabric so she could move and yet was still somewhat covered. 

Walking back over to Ben, she lay down beside him, curling up against him, pillowing her head on his shoulder. Closing her eyes, she gave in to her exhaustion and tried to rest, simply enjoying the feel of his warmth against her.

Ben blinked, looking up at the curved stone ceiling. There was someone lying against his side, a hand curved around his ribs. _Rey!_ Pushing up on one elbow, he looked down. Dark hair spilled loosely around her beautiful face. Her eyes opened sleepily, meeting his own which had started to water. For a moment he just stared in shock, afraid that speaking would break this wonderful spell and cause her to disappear. “Is this—is this real?” he finally asked, voice quivering slightly, absolutely terrified this was just another test.

Reaching up, Rey slid her hand across his cheek. “Yes, I think so.” Ben started to weep in earnest and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her flush against him. Opening himself to the Force again, he sought the Bond. She blazed clearly on the other end of it, bright and gleaming. Filled with such strength and determination. This was _Rey_ , not a delusion, not an apparition, not a vision. She was really alive. Burying his face in her unbound hair, his arms tightened around her as he shook, sobbing in relief.

They desperately clung to each other for a few long moments, tears flowing freely down both their faces. Pulling back, Ben sat up, still clutching her hand. “How is this possible? You _died_ on Exegol, I felt it, and I couldn’t heal you no matter how hard I tried. I searched and _searched_ for ways to bring you back since then, but all of them felt wrong, and yet somehow you’re _here._ “

Using his hold to pull herself upright, Rey cradled his cheek with her hand, his tears hot across her skin. “A woman named Bastila told me the way back to you. I must have traveled through the World Between Worlds. Every time I thought I was lost, I could feel your presence guiding me back to the right path. I wouldn’t have made it back without you.”

Helping Rey to her feet, Ben closed his eyes while she sorted out the folds of his cloak again. “Um, why are you naked?” In the overwhelming rush of emotions, he had briefly forgotten how much smooth skin he had felt under his hands.

With faint blush rising in her cheeks, she said, “I had clothes on the other side. I guess they didn’t come through with me.” Finally satisfied with the lay of the fabric, Rey clasped his hand once again.

“How long has it been?” She held her breath, afraid of Ben’s answer.

“Just over a year and a half.”

Rey gasped, horrified, tears threatening to fall yet again. “I’m so sorry.” She swallowed thickly and squeezed his hand. 

“It’s okay,” he said, trying to get a handle on his riotous emotions.

“Do you know the way back to the surface?”

“I think so.” Bending down, he grabbed the legacy saber from the floor and clipped it back to his belt.

Walking to the edge of the surface, Ben pulled himself up onto the smooth slab. Turning, he quickly grabbed Rey’s outstretched hands and plucked her from the floor, irrationally afraid she would disappear if he stopped touching her for too long. Once her bare feet connected with the stone, she paused, pulling at his hands.

“Look at me,” she insisted. He turned to her, suddenly very aware of the darkness that filled him. That he _knew_ she sensed.

“Thank you. Thank you for coming for me. On Exegol. And here. I know this isn’t exactly what we hoped for…”

Ashamed of how everything had turned out, Ben ducked his head. “You didn’t need me on Exegol. I made it worse. I couldn’t save you.”

Rey lifted his chin, forcing him to look at her. “But you _did_ save me. I was going to _give in_ . I was going to try to save the Resistance by joining the Sith, as ludicrous as that sounds to my own ears right now. And then I sensed that you were there and had come to help me. That I wasn’t actually alone in that horrible place.” She remembered the almost giddy rush of emotion that had occurred when she sensed _Ben’s_ presence on Exegol.

Taking a deep breath, Rey continued, “I’m sorry I died. I’m sorry I couldn’t stay. I know you tried to help me even though you were in so much pain. I saw you.” In her mind she could hear him howling in grief even now. She swallowed down the lump in her throat. “I followed you back up to ground level. I was so frustrated that I couldn't help you. That I couldn’t _heal_ you.

Ben's eyes filled with tears again. “But you’re here now. And I’m so grateful. I didn’t… I couldn’t…” He’d spent so many months alone, his once silver tongue had abandoned him completely. Looking into her bright eyes, he was filled with remorse. He’d sought solace and help from the dark side in her absence. From the very thing they’d fought to destroy. Desperately seeking out some way to bring her back to life.

Cradling his face in her hands, she brushed her thumb across his lips. “At this exact moment, none of that matters. We’ll figure it out. Eventually.”

Standing up in her tiptoes, Rey kissed him. “I am so happy to be here with you.” The muscles in his cheeks protested from lack of use as he returned her warm smile.

Both of them were weary and focused on their footing as they slowly worked their way back toward the surface. They didn’t speak much, simply reveling in each other’s presence through the Bond. They were reluctant to let go of one another for even a moment, holding hands almost the entire way, taking turns holding the lantern. The hallways seemed much simpler to navigate, but there was still a considerable distance to cover. 

It took them several hours to reach the great assembly hall with the central mosaic where the statues stood guard. Rey was intrigued by the room, and wanted to look at every bit of it. Ben followed a few steps behind her and watched her examine everything, the long hem of his cloak trailing on the floor. Admired her bare toes scrunching on the cool floor as she stood looking up at the enormous carved figures. Smiled as she pointed out the inscriptions at their base that he had missed the last time. She finally joined him on the stone benches at the far end to rest and eat. 

Ben set two ration bars beside her and said, “I’m sorry it’s not anything more substantial.”

Rey looked up and waved her hand. “This is fine. I am just grateful there’s any food at all.”

“So where are we?” she asked between bites, observing his empty hands and thin face.

“Yavin IV. This is an ancient Jedi Temple, part of a larger city. I think they built most of that, too.”

As she finished the first bar, Rey picked up the second and held it out to Ben. “Please. You need to eat, too.”

“But—”

She shook her head. “No. One for me, one for you. I am not eating another thing until you do.”

“Still so stubborn.” Rey could sense his deep affection through the Link, like strong, warm arms gently wrapped around her. 

Begrudgingly, Ben tore open the wrapper and broke off a quarter of the bar. “Humor me? Please?”

She huffed slightly but still took the piece and popped it into her mouth.

“So how far until we reach actual daylight?”

“I’m not really sure. The way out seems to be going faster than the way in. I suspect the Force was twisting my sense of direction, and probably time as well.”

“And what’s outside?”

“Thick jungle. But I have a beacon on the ship, which will hopefully guide us in a reasonably straight line.”

Terrified he already knew her answer to this question, Ben asked, “Do you plan to rejoin the Resistance? I cannot tell you what their status is, but I saw Dameron and the stormtrooper here on planet a few days ago. I am sure they would be delighted to have you back.”

She paused and looked at him with confusion on her face. “Do you want me to go?” Her self doubt seeped into the Link.

“No!” Ben said hurriedly. “No—that’s not what I mean…”

Rey smiled softly and shrugged. “Perhaps, eventually.” Reaching out she laid one of her hands on his forearm. “But right now _you_ are my only priority.” The wide, toothy grin he gave her in return brought out his dimples.

Once they left the Temple, Rey marveled at the wild colors of the jungle, illuminated by the bright mid day sun. Ben was grateful for the guidance of the beacon, as he had no idea which way to go. Their pace slowed slightly as Rey stepped gingerly through the plants covering the ground. Her feet were aching and filthy from walking barefoot for so long.

Finally, Ben paused and pulled off his satchel and the receiver from his belt. Handing them both to Rey, he squatted slightly in front of her and said, “We need to move faster. C’mon, up.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, not only do your feet hurt, but I want to make it back to the ship as fast as we can. We’re running out of daylight. This way you can also look at the plants, which I know you want to do. Just keep us on track, please.”

Rey placed her hands on Ben’s shoulders and set her calf into his palm. He pulled her onto his back as she wound her arms around his chest and clung to him with her legs. Despite the circumstances, he reveled in the sensation of her warm, naked skin against his fingers and tried very hard not to think about the fact that the only thing she wore was his cloak.

Several hours later, they paused briefly once more to rest and eat. Once they finished, Ben squatted down so she could clamor up on to his back again. She sighed. “You can’t carry me all the way. Let me walk some more.” 

Still facing away from her he said, “I can and I will. All we need is for you to trip and break an ankle or get bitten by something hiding in the foliage.” His voice dropped half an octave as he said quietly, “Please, Rey. Please let me do this for you.”

Rey laid a gentle hand on his shoulder, thumb stroking the skin on the back of his neck. “If you’re sure.”

His head dropped further forward giving her more access to his skin. “Yes. Just keep us on as straight a line as possible.”

As Ben carried her through the thick jungle, she closed her eyes and focused on giving him as much of her energy as she could.

 _Thank you,_ he whispered into her mind.

They reached the X-wing just as the last colors of the sunset slipped from the sky. Once Ben set her down, Rey stretched up and ran an affectionate hand over the nose of the ship. She loved seeing old ships being used. “I’m surprised you’ve kept it. What exactly did you take to Exegol?” She remembered seeing a dark shape beside the X-wing in the distance, but the memory was fuzzy, like looking through cracked glass. Her entire focus had been on him.

“I found an old TIE scout ship in the bowels of the Death Star. It took me a little while to convince it to start. Which is why I was late,” he said ruefully, hanging the small lantern on the underside of the ship.

“You still came to help me. I have never been so grateful to see anyone. You arrived exactly when you were supposed to, I think.”

Snagging his pack out of the small hold, Ben found her clothes. “Would you like to get dressed?” he asked, offering her the bundle.

She looked up at him with genuine surprise. “You kept them?”

He dropped his gaze, suddenly embarrassed. “Oh, _thank_ you.” He nodded and closely examined the plants at his feet. Rey could sense everything through the Bond, as he was completely out of practice hiding his feelings from her.

Rey crossed to the other side of the ship and quickly changed into her white tunic and crop pants. The moment she came into view, Ben’s eyes grew large and filled with tears. All he could see was her dead body disappearing from his arms. His knees felt weak. She watched him flinch and felt his emotions wildly shift. Rushing forward, she dropped his cloak and threw herself into his arms. “I’m here. _I’m right here._ ”

Clutching Rey desperately, Ben stood and shook, almost pulling her off her feet. “I’m… I’m s-s-ssorry,” he finally stammered, eyes squeezed shut, trying to fight his way out of the horrible images swimming in front of his eyes.

“It’s okay,” she opened herself to the Bond and surrounded him with as much comfort and reassurance as she could muster.

Ben relaxed his hold and sank to his knees, arms still wrapped around her. He buried his head in her belly, trying to settle his nerves.

“It’s past time I had some new clothing anyway.” She felt his nod against her abdomen.

Rey spent a few moments trying to soothe him by running her hands over and through his thick hair, marveling at how long it had become in her absence.

He slowly got to his feet and turned, wiping his damp cheeks. Walking to the pack, Ben pulled out his mother’s saber. Tugging the legacy saber off his belt, he held both of them out to her without a word.

Taking Leia’s saber, Rey pushed the Skywalker saber back toward him. “This one belongs to you, not me. I need to find my own, eventually. I was just holding this for you, remember?”

She could see the regret in his eyes, and sense his deep sorrow. “But it just feels like a tool, I don’t have a true connection with it anymore…”

Smiling sadly, Rey covered Ben’s hand with her own. “And I believe it will feel that way again, with a little time. Have faith in yourself. I do.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

more to come

thanks for reading

serafine


	9. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fabulous beta job by theaberrantwritergirl!! I cannot thank you enough for your help in polishing this thing.  
> Find her work [here](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theaberrantwritergirl/pseuds/theaberrantwritergirl)
> 
> Cover art by [g_girl143](https://archiveofourown.org/users/g_girl143/pseuds/g_girl143)

Finn sat up abruptly, shouting “Rey!”

Beside him, Poe stirred and mumbled, “Go back to sleep, babe, It’s okay.” This was not the first time this evening that Finn had awoken his partner by talking in his sleep.

Finn grabbed the hand vaguely patting him and said urgently, “Poe, wake up. C’mon, wake up!”

Whiskey brown eyes cracked open. “What? What’s wrong?”

“I think Rey is alive.”

Poe’s eyes opened wide. “That’s not possible. You felt her die, what, a year and a half ago? If she were alive, she’d’ve contacted us, found her way back somehow.”

“I can’t explain it, but I know what I saw. She’s alive, and with Kylo Ren.”

Poe sat up quickly. “Is she his prisoner? A clone? What?”

Finn laid a soothing hand on Poe's forearm. “No, she seemed happy. Like really happy. And so did he.”

“What exactly did you see? Was it a dream?”

“It was more than just a dream. I think it was a vision. First there was this… thunderclap in the Force. And then I saw Rey and Kylo Ren. They were in a round room made of stone. Walking across what looked like a frozen lake.”

“What? That doesn’t make any sense at all. Why is there a lake inside a building?”

“The Force doesn’t always make sense—you know that.” Poe rolled his eyes in response.

“So what are we supposed to do? Go rescue her?”

Finn replayed what he saw, the way they felt so intrinsically intertwined. “If we do, I think it’s a package deal. We’ll have to take them both.”

Poe ran his hand through his hair. “Well that’s just great. Do you know where they are?”

“Here. On Yavin IV.”

“What?! How is that possible?”

Finn shrugged. “I don’t know. But we’ve got to find them.”

“Can you do that?”

Flashes of the colorful flora of the jungle played before Finn’s eyes. They weren’t staying in a city.

“I think so. Meditation should help clarify a direction.”

“Can we wait until morning to leave? Is that okay?” Poe asked.

“Yeah. That should be fine. We’re going to get her back.” As Finn said it, he felt the truth of the statement settle into his bones. He lay down and nestled into Poe’s shoulder, trying to go back to sleep.

+~+~+~+~+

Ben and Rey crammed themselves awkwardly into the cockpit of the X-wing and slept until sunrise. After eating the last two ration bars, they flew to the closest settlement where they purchased fresh clothes for her and a few supplies. They cleaned up, shared a hot meal, and then promptly fled back out into the jungle. Large crowds made him terribly uneasy.

After finding a good campsite, Ben attached a small tent to the X-wing. The shelter of the wings gave them better protection from nocturnal predators. They spent their days talking, meditating, and simply enjoying each other’s company. Despite Rey’s protestations at the expense, Ben had insisted on buying something more than just ration bars to eat. Every evening before bed, she kissed him good night and thanked him for preparing dinner. He just smiled in return and looked so delightfully pleased, his deep affection for her streaming through the Bond. Each night was spent wrapped around each other and in the morning she woke enveloped in his arms, feeling safe and wonderfully loved.

Rey perched on a fallen branch beneath a wide Massassi tree. Looking down at Ben’s face, she was amazed at the change just a few days had wrought. He looked almost like a different person. He had shaved, much of the purple was gone from beneath his eyes, and there was even a hint of color in his cheeks.

Ben sat on the ground leaning up against Rey’s legs, his head resting in her lap. The fresh, warm breeze felt wonderful against his skin. His long dark hair spilled across her thighs. It had taken a long time, but she had gotten most of the snarls out. Slowly she wove the top into small braids, pulling his hair away from his face. The gentle movement of her hands in his hair lulled him to sleep.

+~+~+~+~+

There was a cozy house amongst the trees, deep shade all around. Rey sat in a comfy chair near a window, an infant with wisps of pitch black hair nursing at her breast. Through an arched doorway, she watched Ben making dinner.

“Bread needs five more minutes,” he called out, crouched in front of a small oven, peering inside.

“Okay,” she said. Rey started rocking back and forth as she shifted the infant to her shoulder and began gently patting her on the back. After a few moments, the little bundle let out a loud, satisfied burp.

Walking into the room, Ben snorted and said, "Well she certainly sounds like you, especially after you’ve been well fed.”

Rey stuck her tongue out at him with a scowl, and then gave him a wide smile, affection shining in her eyes.

+~+~+~+~+

Ben's eyes fluttered open. He was confused for a moment. Had that been just a dream? Or something more? Was that what he wanted? A child? Briefly he imagined his child growing in her belly, and what it would take to put one there. He felt his ears grow red.

“What were you dreaming of, to put such a delighted smile on your face?”

He looked up at Rey, haloed by the shafts of sunlight poking through the canopy. They had saved one another. He would never let go of her again.

“You. I was dreaming of you.”

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

the end

thanks for reading

serafine

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says differently is selling something."

\- Wesley in The Princess Bride

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all who have stuck with me over these last few months on this fic.  
> I was inspired in October and then someone asked me about a continuation.... and we wound up here.  
> Midway through editing Chapter 7, I realized there were some strong Orpheus & Eurydice elements. I had become so focused on the story, I could not see the forest for the trees, it seems.
> 
> This is the first multi chapter fic I have completed in a while. I look forward to hearing your thoughts.
> 
> Much love to you all!

**Author's Note:**

> Um. I hope this is okay. I saw the artwork and prompt and [the first chapter of] this just sort of came out in like an hour.
> 
> If you see anything I need to fix, or that I missed, please let me know.
> 
> Feedback, comments, and kudos are good for your karma.  
> _______________  
> My other Star Wars works:  
> [Stay With Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22316566/chapters/53304634) \- a lengthy, plotty, TRoS fix it Bendemption WIP, working hard on finishing.  
> [Fantasy](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29327949) \- filthy canonverse smut  
> [Series: Holding Each Other Up](https://archiveofourown.org/series/1596187) \- short TRoS fix it fics  
> [Snippets of Grief](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22239232) \- Leia mourns for her husband and son  
> [Unbroken](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22030423) \- not a fix it, my gut reaction to TRoS
> 
> Find me on tumblr @serafines. I would love new friends.  
> If you like this fic, feel free to share links to it on Tumblr or Twitter or wherever.


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